I’ve been feeling extremely sentimental lately, and it’s taken me a while to really organize my thoughts enough to even begin processing my feelings through writing. Bear with me through the sap that is about to unfold.
As of recently, I’ve become painfully aware of how limited my one on one time is with my son. In roughly 5 months he will have to share me with his new sibling. In roughly 5 months, I will be a mother of 2 – exhausted, but full of love for my babies. While I’m over the moon about the thought of bringing another child into this world, of experiencing all those firsts with a perspective I never had with Sawyer, I can’t help but feel saddened and guilty for the changes that lie ahead for my sweet first born.
I worry that I will be so exhausted that my patience (which already tends to run thin on the best of days) will be non-existent and that I will lash out at my toddler, when I need to just be gentle.
I worry that I will miss out on the details of him growing bigger and smarter and funnier because I’ll be preoccupied with cluster feeding and shushing a fussy baby.
I worry that he will look at me with his big beautiful blue eyes and be sad that mommy can’t play with him right away, or she can’t chase him around the house the way she used to.
I worry that he will feel less loved by me, when I won’t be able to kiss him and hold him and often as I did when my focus was only on him.
I worry that I’m not spending enough time with him now, knowing that it’s fleeting.
Lately I find myself hesitant to make plans with other people, even those with children, because I don’t want to have my attention taken away from my son. I want to savour every last moment we have together just the two of us.
I want to remember every one of his hugs and kisses (even the reluctant ones he gives me after I ask him for them).
I want to remember the sound of his giggles and laughs when he’s running around naked before bath time.
I want to remember the way he says “baf”, “a-done”, and most importantly, “I wuv you” in his sweet little voice.
I want to remember the way he can hear a garbage truck from a mile away, and the frantic look he gets as he exclaims “BEEP BEEP!!!” and run-stomps towards the closest window. Or the way he says, “hello!”, and, “buh-bye” to the airplanes he sees in the sky.
I want to remember the sound of his little feet stomping against the floor, and the focused look in his eyes when he’s concentrating on a new task he’s set out for himself.
I want to remember how much he loves to watch a feather float around through space as we alternate taking turns blowing it in different directions.
While the weeks seem to flash by with this second pregnancy, I’m taking in all of these moments as best as I can. I’m holding him a little longer, hugging him a little tighter, and basking in his childish innocence whenever I’m around him.
He will always be my baby.
He will always be the one who made me a mother.